In the previous post, I wrote about how bringing curiosity to our present moment experience in meditation can be transformative. In this post, I want to talk about the benefit of learning to bring a curious attitude toward arguments with other people.
Examining our response to the unpleasant
Victor Frankl once said: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
This can be most challenging when we have an argument or a fight with a loved one or a close friend. My first meditation teacher said that after an argument with someone, I might say that my ensuing unhappiness is 100% their fault. After some reflection, I might say it’s 50% their fault and 50% mine. Ultimately I realize that my unhappiness from the argument is 100% my fault, my responsibility, literally response + able. Am I able to respond rather than react?
Focusing on our reaction/response
My intention in these situations is to notice the pause that Frankl describes. When I do remember, then I ask myself if I can bring a kind, loving curiosity, not to the other person, but to myself and my reaction. If so, then I can consider my choices other than acting upon the initial reaction. I always have choices!
I spend less mental energy thinking of how to persuade the other person that I am right. I have more energy to feel whatever afflictive emotions like anger and resentment are flowing through me. I bring a curious attention to how my body feels—the actual sensations and energy— and to the thoughts that are arising. When I do this, I see more clearly how much energy those emotions are consuming. Afterwards, if I am still ruminating over the situation, I have learned to ask myself questions like "why does this bother me so much?" or "what's really going on?" and then listen to the response that comes from inside.
Letting go of 'me'
Another motivation for focusing on my own response when disagreements arise is the realization that most of us feel we are right, when arguing about something: whose memory is right, expectations, child raising, marriage, money, ethics. However, to paraphrase a quote from Anais Nin: We don’t see things as they are. We see things as we are, because it is the I behind the eye that does the seeing.
Thich Nhat Hanh often encouraged his listeners and readers to question our perceptions asking: Am I really sure? For example, am I sure that my memory is absolutely correct? Is this person really mad at me or at himself/herself?
From a psychological perspective, we experience reality through so many filters. Mine include: male, white, American, father, brother, husband, Buddhist, Catholic, someone who wants to save the world, and a young child inside who sees the world as a very dangerous place. So many parts we all have! They all want us to see reality from their perspective and they all create stories to persuade us of the veracity of their perspective. So I am learning to hold my views more lightly. Even if they work for me, they are not universal. When I do this, I find less need to convince others of my views and more desire to listen.
Clear comprehension
With these various mindfulness practices, we begin to develop what the Buddha called clear comprehension. This leads naturally to a greater sense of joy and peace in our lives. A key piece for me has been bringing (perhaps 20% more often) a different quality of attention to what I initially find to be unpleasant. What a difference that kind, loving, curious attention is making. And 20% is much more satisfying than not changing!