I had a lucid dream this past April. In the dream, I'm late for my dissertation defense (which was in 1986). My whole family is with me, and I am getting more and more anxious and agitated, because I am increasingly concerned that we are going to be late to the meeting. We finally get out of the house and then I realize I don't know where the meeting is, which causes even more anxiety. Once we get to the meeting, I realize that I had brought the wrong papers. Suddenly I am aware in the dream and rather calm. I realize that I have all that I need in my memory.
At the meeting, one of the professors says "you were not able to prove your hypothesis and technically you should start over." I stood up to him and said that the goal of a dissertation project isn't to prove my hypothesis but to add to our understanding of the questions that are being studied. I even cited research from the future to make my point!
Then I woke up. As I lay there, I remembered that in the actual defense, the other members of the committee came to my aid when the professor said I might need to start over. In this dream, I had more agency and defended myself, which was very satisfying.
I realized that this was a dream about healing those parts of me who live in the past. As I lay in bed, I felt in my being that the anxiety and frenzy that dominated the dream have been constant throughout my life. So much of it was trying to please my dad (becoming successful) and my mom (making the world a better place). When hearing about this dynamic, one of my therapists said, “no wonder you never slow down--you got it from both parents!”
Even though the aortic dissection has slowed me down considerably, I am now generally frenzied at a slower pace! Whether I am writing checks, getting dressed, eating, preparing food, gardening, whatever, there is a frenzy, a wanting to get these things over with so I can get on to "the important things" i.e., making the world a better place! My next thought was "But I don't need that frenzy anymore!" I don't need to prove my worth by rushing all the time, to do more, more, more, more. Of course, it helps that my body won't let me do as much either!
I got up slowly and took a shower, savoring the hot water and rubbing the soap slowly over my hair, my face, and the rest of my body. After the shower, I remembered that my CPAP machine and hoses needed cleaning. I did so without rushing. While getting dressed, I pulled a shirt from its the hangar in the closet, and the bottom of the shirt got stuck on the hanger below because I was rushing. I remembered how often this happens! Breathe. Slow down. This is clearly a work in progress. The frenzied rushing is a 60+ year habit and "habit energy" doesn't change immediately. But it can start now.
I went downstairs and decided to make an omelet.
I cut the garlic and onions and mushrooms slowly, one stroke at a time with the knife.
I pushed them into the pan slowly and turned them slowly. Usually I go fast and pieces of the food fly out of the pan.
I grated the cheese slowly, laughing out loud when I realized how often in the past I have sliced a fingernail because I grated the cheese so fast.
I made the rest of the breakfast slowly.
I ate in silence. I felt the taste and texture of the food with almost every bite, and the meal was flavored with feelings of gratitude, appreciation, and compassion for people who don't have enough food.
I realized soberly that this is not the first time I have eaten a meal slowly. It has happened at each of the over 30 meditation retreats I have done for the past 45 years. I remember and then I forget and remember and forget...This is life...and habits can change.
Mindfulness teachers talk about embodied awareness, where you are aware of your body and your emotional states like irritation, worry, and anxiety as you go through the day. That morning, I was aware of the tension in my body and my emotional states while I was doing my morning routines, making my coffee and breakfast, and eating.
This awareness has continued to grow and deepen since that dream four months ago. I still revert to frenzied hurriedness often. However, I also catch myself more and more often.
Mindful awareness has been characterized as "seeing more clearly" like a fog lifting. Often it feels like that. I am noticing consequences of this seeing more clearly in many every day, mundane parts of my life:
I'm doing better on the daily crossword puzzles, on Wordle, and on Nerdle.
My typing is more accurate because I'm typing more slowly.
I notice myself going more slowly when getting ready to go somewhere, especially when I need to be on time, like to a medical appointment or to my daughter's house to watch my grandson for the day.
When I have a day with too many things on the agenda, I either let go of some of them or do each of them more slowly. Just not feeling that frenzy nearly as much!
I'm doing my daily regimen of shoulder and hip exercises without TV. I move more slowly, feeling the body as I move.
Since that dream in April, during stressful situations I notice, more often, a longer space between the urge to hurry and taking action. More often I am pausing and noticing the tightening of the body, taking a breath or two, seeing other options than the habituated, knee-jerk response of hurrying. On some days I remember this most of the time, on some days some of the time, but so much more often than before.
So often we expect mindfulness to deliver immediate results. Some of the stories I've written, for example, letting go of anxiety at the Salt Lake City airport and letting go of resentment while lying in bed one night, illustrate that deep-seated patterns often do take a long time before one sees significant changes.